It is two years, five months and two weeks since I suffered a miscarriage at 9.5 weeks. A miscarriage that occurred in my left uterus and left me and my consultant questioning weather I could carry a baby in that side, after-all preschooler had been in the right.
When I fell pregnant this time those first few weeks were petrifying. Every twinge, pain, discomfort left me questioning if it would lead to something. Every time I went to the toilet I wondered weather there would be blood. I saw the baby for the first time at 7.5 weeks as my Consultant arranged a scan so we could find out which uterus this baby was in. Then I reached 9 weeks and that milestone came and went, and then it got to 12 weeks and the first scan and there was still a heartbeat there going strong. However I still didn’t relax. Recently there have been high profile celebrity pregnancies which have resulted in miscarriage/stillbirths much later on in pregnancy than the “safe” period and so I didn’t relax. I was still paranoid about every twinge and pain.
And now I’ve reached 36 weeks. There is still a baby there, growing, kicking, thriving. Yet every day I find myself worrying about if he is moving enough when I know in reality he really is. I’ve found my Count the Kicks wristband an invaluable resource on days when I was feeling extra paranoid for any reason. Preschooler even got into asking if the baby had moved just so he could move the piece of plastic along! That and my foetal doppler which has meant if I was feeling paranoid I could find the heartbeat and reassure myself, and usually start a huge kicking session.
I’ve driven myself barmy with worry and panics and I’m sure many people would think with six days to go that I would have calmed down a lot and stopped worrying! As if! I’m still just as paranoid! As I said to all my friends at the start when they were bouncing around excited and I sat there very calm about it all I was never going to stop worrying until this baby arrived. And I haven’t. And I’m sure after he arrives then I will revert back to the paranoid parent that I was with preschooler and spend hours at night watching him breathe making sure he is!
I am thankful this pregnancy health wise has gone very smoothly. Physically I have had no issues and that has been brilliant. Will I put myself through all that worry a third time? Probably not. Emotionally I’ve found this pregnancy challenging for many many reasons, not least my miscarriage paranoia as I have come to name it. And I know if I fell pregnant again there is just as much chance of a miscarriage so two successful pregnancies certainly wouldn’t allay my fears and I’m not sure I could handle all the worrying again. So it looks like this will be the last time I am pregnant! Feels sort of sad really.