Last night as I’m sure many people know, One Born Every Minute begun its new series. Twitter went crazy for it. Even my facebook stream went crazy for it. But I switched off. I turned off social media for that hour and didn’t have my telly set to channel 4. Why? Because OBEM is a painful reminder of the birth I will never have. Yes they feature their fair share of planned and emergency c-sections but they also show a heck of alot of natural births. Births where the baby gets lifted to mums chest straight away. Where she has pushed her baby out with or without pain relief. Something I will never be able to do.
Although I had birth reflections counselling during my second pregnancy and I came to terms and accepted my situation and that for my health a c-section really is the only option thanks to my two uterus’ and weird anatomy but it doesn’t mean I don’t still crave that natural birth. Afterall the reason it took me so long to get over my first birth was because I had dreamed of the perfect natural birth. Yes I was 16 but I didn’t want any pain relief, I was petrified of epidurals, had read all the side effects, wanted to be mobile and upright to help gravity do its job. The reality was the total opposite. I was strapped to the bed on a monitor with back to back labour and laboured on the bed the whole way through until the urge to came to push… and then the contractions stopped … and then there was a mad dash to theatre … and an attempt to deliver with ventouse following an epidural … and then finally the emergency c-section. Oh except it wasn’t finally because then in recovery I had serious complications that left me clinging onto life by my finger tips.
My second birth was the total opposite and as wonderful as a c-section is ever going to be. But it wasn’t natural. It wasn’t drug free. And I didn’t get to ‘birth’ my baby.
I don’t know that I am ever going to get over that feeling of being cheated out of natural birth. Its all I ever dreamed of in terms of being a mother and both of my births have been the total opposite of it. I can’t ever try a natural birth without putting myself at serious risk (so please don’t suggest that because it just isn’t going to happen). I could try it but I’d be risking my boys losing their mother and I would never take that risk.
Maybe in a few years time it won’t be so painful. But for now shows like OBEM I give a wide berth!