One Born Every Minute : A painful reminder…
Last night as I’m sure many people know, One Born Every Minute begun its new series. Twitter went crazy for it. Even my facebook stream went crazy for it. But I switched off. I turned off social media for that hour and didn’t have my telly set to channel 4. Why? Because OBEM is a painful reminder of the birth I will never have. Yes they feature their fair share of planned and emergency c-sections but they also show a heck of alot of natural births. Births where the baby gets lifted to mums chest straight away. Where she has pushed her baby out with or without pain relief. Something I will never be able to do.
Although I had birth reflections counselling during my second pregnancy and I came to terms and accepted my situation and that for my health a c-section really is the only option thanks to my two uterus’ and weird anatomy but it doesn’t mean I don’t still crave that natural birth. Afterall the reason it took me so long to get over my first birth was because I had dreamed of the perfect natural birth. Yes I was 16 but I didn’t want any pain relief, I was petrified of epidurals, had read all the side effects, wanted to be mobile and upright to help gravity do its job. The reality was the total opposite. I was strapped to the bed on a monitor with back to back labour and laboured on the bed the whole way through until the urge to came to push… and then the contractions stopped … and then there was a mad dash to theatre … and an attempt to deliver with ventouse following an epidural … and then finally the emergency c-section. Oh except it wasn’t finally because then in recovery I had serious complications that left me clinging onto life by my finger tips.
My second birth was the total opposite and as wonderful as a c-section is ever going to be. But it wasn’t natural. It wasn’t drug free. And I didn’t get to ‘birth’ my baby.
I don’t know that I am ever going to get over that feeling of being cheated out of natural birth. Its all I ever dreamed of in terms of being a mother and both of my births have been the total opposite of it. I can’t ever try a natural birth without putting myself at serious risk (so please don’t suggest that because it just isn’t going to happen). I could try it but I’d be risking my boys losing their mother and I would never take that risk.
Maybe in a few years time it won’t be so painful. But for now shows like OBEM I give a wide berth!