To think this time last year…

… I was pregnant with the second child I had always dreamt of. Not under the most wonderful circumstances but I was getting through that all. By now I had told my gynacologist who wanted a scan to confirm which uterus the baby was in. This was to be on the 28th Jan. Beans little heart was beating away rapidly and it turned out I was futher gone than I had predicted! I was in fact almost 10 weeks, I’d thought I was only 7 barely! I came away buzzing, on such a high knowing my baby was healthy, there was only one! No signs of abnormalities at that stage and I had a EDD. The following day I came down with the most almightly flu and literally spent the day on the sofa other than getting up to tend to J’s needs, that night he was sleeping in my bed, not sure why, but I hadnt been able to sleep, was awake every two minutes and needed the loo constantly, every time I went I feared there would be blood and eventually at 6am there was, I remained strangely calm whilst phoning my mum telling her to get round as fast as possible with my brother or dad so they could stay with J and the moment I put the phone down I bawled my eyes out in anticipation, knowing what was happening. Once my mum arrived I put on my calm cold shut down exterior, she was remaining positive, I was trying not to show my pain. Having arrived at 6:30 by 11am it had been confirmed the baby that was there two days earlier, no longer was. To make the experience more painful my body still believed I was pregnant, this just added to the pain for me.

Loosing that baby has changed me so much. I have forgiven so many people in my life. I have begun a spiritual journey, I am more confident and open, I have distanced myself from my parents and am better when alone now.

None of this of course was how I dreamt Jan 2010 would be, by now my baby would be approaching 4 to 5 months old, I should be experiencing all the firsts and I’m not. But whos to say that in a few years time the right man will come along.

Many of my friends have said it was fate because it wasnt the right time, maybe so but for me it absolutely was the right time which only made the experience more heartbreaking.

Here for those interested is a scan I had, pre lost angel which shows my two uterui. Apologies for the poor labelling but it gives you an idea. The darker areas on either side are the two uterui and at the top of the picture you can see where they split into two. 
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12 thoughts on “To think this time last year…

  1. I'm so sorry sweetie. I know what it's like to lose a baby and whether the pregnancy was planned or unplanned it doesn't make it any easier x

  2. It is a terribly painful experience, mentally, and one which you may find (or may have already) that more women have been through it than you realise. It happened to me a long time ago, there was no heartbeat at my first scan of 12 weeks. I can still see the sonographer's face when she delivered the news.I am very sorry to read this, but please know there is support out there, from people like me who have been through it – and I am here too if you ever want to vent – crystal.jigsaw7@btinternet.comTake care sweetheart.CJ xx

  3. So sorry for your loss. I too sometimes think of the stage my baby would be at, and I too treasure the scan photo, even if it showed my baby had died at 6 weeks (when I was 11 weeks). A friend of mine had the same due date as me, so I see her baby and think what if. I'm still very happy for her, because she too suffered a miscarriage. As "normal" as miscarriages are, they will never be normal to those of us who go through them.

  4. Here from BlogGems — I see another year has now passed since you wrote this — I hope you are doing OK. My first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage too… the experience becomes a part of you and how you see the world, at least it did for me.

    Hugs!

  5. Hi there This is obviously something that affected you deeply and having had 2 miscarriages myself I understand that feeling of loss. Hope 2011 has started very differently for you..

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss…..there really are no words….
    I don’t think that it ws fate, sometimes, bad things happen to good people with no explanation.
    I’m here from Jen’s blog gems, and I enjoyed reading your heartfelt post even though it was a very difficult subject for you. x

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