Well well well, as of tomorrow I will be 20. God that feels such a milestone! My depression in my teens was serious, there were days when I didnt think I’d be around for much longer I was that suicidal, it was a matter or time and opportunity, thankfully more aless everytime I got to nearly attempting it or starting to attempt it someone would find me, often my mum. Eventually I fell pregnant with J at 16 and from that moment onwards suicide was no longer an option for me. From that moment on I had a little person depending on me. So for that reason 20 feels like a big achievement because at 14 I didnt believe I would see my 18th birthday let alone 20th. I’m glad I’m still around and am here to tell the tale. Even through my depression because I mainly function on a hide all feelings persona. So on the outside I generally function normally when my depression hits, its all very internal.
So some of the things I have achieved?
Well I’ve cycled London to Brighton 3 times see previous blog
I gained my Guiders qualification – Me in charge of a room of 10-14 year olds … I must be mad!
I fell in love
I faced my fears of outdoor adventure courses and have done Go Ape twice!
I fell in love with Cornwall!!!
My amazing son was born. He is by far my biggest achievement. He is turning into the most wonderful little boy and I know thats down to the way he is parented. I have a very relaxed outlook on parenting and a very natural view of it. I’m also not far off my own childhood anyway so being silly and chasing around after him doesnt take much effort! He’s such a happy bunny and I know thats because I am so relaxed in the way I look after him. We have fun together. We enjoy our times together. I smother him with love and affection but he knows the limits, he knows when hes made a “bad choice” and he quickly stops. I am such a proud mum and I love it when people compliment me on how well behaved and poliete he is, thats my achievement, parenting and teaching a wonderful little boy how to be an appropriate citizen.
I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love my little man, it scares me I may not be able to love another child or even a future partner as much as I love my little man. Its me and him against the world and thats how it has been for two years.
My twenty years have been filled with happy and sad times like all our lives are, and overall due to my depression unfortunately its probably had more dips than it has highs but I hope the next ten years will have more highs than lows.
My goals for the next ten years?
- Gain my degree
- Have another child
- Get married
- Own a house
- Be happy
- Train in reflexology
- Own a doggy
- Do a skydive
- Cycle London to Brighton again
- Run a marathon
- Visit Australia
- Visit New York
Not many goals?!