How do you turn off the worries?

Some of you who were observant last night may have been aware that I was visiting my gynaecologist today, me and him are old pals now since my rather dramatic childbirth with J. I had been discharged off his books at the start of last year post miscarriage in Jan 2009 as the cysts that had been on my ovaries were no longer there and there was no reason to continue any treatments etc so we left it agreeing I would try the contraceptive injection. Now this was something I had never ever been happy about using, why? Because I knew of tons of women who had been using it and then struggled to conceive for years. Yeah right was i going to do that! So I gave it a bash and in May I had one. Long story short it didn’t work for me and I wasn’t happy with it so I didn’t carry on and have the 2nd at the start of August, instead I was told my body would just gradually go back to normal, by September my periods should have returned. 

Well they didn’t. November was the first time I got one, and then there wasn’t another until the end of Feb, and then I had 3 in a matter of weeks during June/July of this year, so yeah something wasn’t quite right you could say! 

Today I finally got around to seeing him, thankfully I still come under my dads private healthcare so I was able to see him in the relaxed surroundings of a private hospital. He was running to time which was ace too! We had a good chat about the events of the past year since I had seen him and discussed a few possible causes such as weight gain/loss (of which there hasn’t been any), stress, diet changes etc. I made me worries pretty clear that although there’s no one in my life at the moment and no chance of a pregnancy when the time comes I want to be able to and thus the fact I’m not ovulating at the moment, honestly, scares me shitless. We also discussed possible causes of these absent periods which in fact has a name “Amenorrhea”. One of the possibilities is that it may be due to PCOS. Something in my head I was thinking well surely not because I don’t have half the symptoms, turns out the only main one is absent periods. Hmmm. Seems I do then! 

So for the time being he has taken bloods today for a hormone culture, which sounds pretty fucking scary quite frankly, I don’t wanna know my hormones, surely they are the things that make me a moody madame sometimes! Being told what they are, well agh, don’t like that! We are holding off on a scan for now until the results of the blood tests have come back as he also wants to test for underactive thyroid which runs in our family and is another possibility, as well as of course checking my iron levels to see just how anaemic I am at present. Sounds like the lab have alot on from me! 

And then he wants to see me in SIX weeks. Why do I say SIX? Well because in my head I’m having this huge bloody panic that oh my god I’m never going to be able to conceive a child again, I’ll never feel another baby kick inside me, I’ll never almost die during childbirth again (JOKE mother!!!) etc, which is ridiculous i know! I’m 20, there are many reasons why my periods have decided to stop, I have all my years ahead of me, yada yada yadda! 

But that doesn’t stop me worrying that when the time comes I’m not going to be able to conceive and for me that’s a fricking great panic! So is it all in my mind? Are these worries completely unfounded? I don’t know, only time and the tests will but at the moment it isn’t doing anything to stop the daily concerns and thoughts in my head as to weather or not I’ll hold one of my own biological children again in my arms someday.

For anyone somewhat confused by this the history is here: “Three Years Ago Today” and “To Think This Time Last Year” 


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