Tomorrow my little angel is 4 years old. Four. 4. How did that happen? When? How is he four? It just doesn’t make sense! I remember it like yesterday! Next September he will be going to school!
How have 364 days passed since I wrote this last year?
It just doesn’t make sense to me, where do the years go? How do they disappear so quickly?
I’ve always tried my hardest to live every day to the full, not least since losing Stephen this year, it just hit home how quickly life can be taken away from you. But even when doing my up most to do everything and say yes t everything theres just not the time to fit it all in!
In the past 365 days so many things have happened, so many changes have occurred in our lives, all for the good. As we have done every birthday that has passed us we have got stronger and grown together. Having J at 16 was the best thing that ever happened to me, I cant deny that, in so many ways he saved me from myself and the road I was going down, he made me learn to love another, learn to think about someone else, to stop thinking about myself, he taught me how to be patient, how to look at the world from a different perspective, and those are just the things he taught me in the first few months.
I’ll never forget when a counsellor identified the brick wall I had built around me and J, I hadn’t noticed I had done it, but I had and in doing so had even shut out my own family, I was determined that no one would breakthrough that brick wall because if they did then we would get hurt, or that’s what I thought!
This year though I have let people into our lives, ok so I still keep them at arms length, and like I was discussing with Sara when I got to meet her yesterday, by keeping them at arms length and not expecting anything from them, you cant get hurt.
Last year J had just started at the childminders and his confidence was growing and he was coming out of his shell, this year? He has been at nursery since June and well he is now the cheekiest little monkey you have ever met, he listens to everything and repeats it all. He has the attitude of a teenager and has pretty much outgrown tantrums which have now been replaced with sulks. He has a wicked sense of humour, that is exactly like his mothers. He is still full of energy, if not more of it, how thats possible I do not know. He continues to amaze me every day with his ever expanding knowledge of the world. His cheeky smile and sense of compassion that he has just learnt are just heart warming.
It’s been tough for me letting somebody else into my life this year and he knew that if at any time J was unhappy he would be out the door like a shot because J will always come first and will always be my little number one. For almost four years it was him and me, a team, together. This year it’s not just me and him celebrating his birthday. There will be three others joining us, and I for one cant wait to see what tomorrow holds and how cheeky he will be.
I just pray the next four years slow down compared to the first four, I want to treasure every moment and I’ve been so lucky to be able to be at home with him seeing him change and grow. I thought by now there would be less “firsts” etc but theres not, infact I could swear theres more, he never ceases to amaze me.
I love you with all my heart little man and I always will. Your my son and my friend, your my life.