Well remember how last week I wrote about the ideal property we had found and how everything looked to be going ahead? Well after promising us the property and saying she just needed the bank details for her partner it then turns out her partner has offered it to someone else, sadly its the risk you run when leaving out the letting agent but I cant say I wasn’t gutted, although more quite frankly pissed RIGHT off.
Property searching has been slow this week, which I suspect it will be between now and easter basically. My depression and anxiety give me real issues with making phone calls to strangers, ie businesses, and so I just cant ring the letting agents myself, I get in a complete tizz and end up having a panic attack just trying to get myself to the point of phoning them! Ridiculous huh! And so Mum does all the ringing for me however she works of course and although she could make calls during half term its alot harder for her to do during term time. So I’m stuck. I sit at home willing myself to pick the phone up, to make the calls, I know that no one is going to die from it, I know its not going to harm me, its all just really complex mind f*** stuff that goes on in my head and I just cant. Trouble is then I beat myself up about it, afterall what do I want most at the moment? To find a new property for Me, Preschooler and the bump. Who is holding me back in doing that? Me. I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully she will be able to help as at the moment after the community support worker referred me last November the referall still hasnt gone through and I’ve been hanging loose with no counsellor/support worker nowt. Hoping that will change come Monday.
But in other pregnancy news the bump is growing and expanding. Bump wise I have to admit I’m thinking its a girl, its a very different bump to what I had with preschooler but then again this time there’s already a loose mum tum for it to fill so I doubt it would look the same! I have to admit that at the moment I’m not loving my pregnancy body like I did with preschooler. I loved being pregnant with him and felt gorgeous and lovely even when I was the size of a whale. Maybe its because my body does seem to be reacting differently this time but I hate my body at the moment. Baggy hoodies all the way 😉
Jelly Tot has been starting to really do some somersaults in there too, Grandma was disappointed when I told her tonight that you still cant feel it from the outside! She’s desperate to feel the baby kicking. It is certainly going for it in there, this morning after I had a cold drink it went nuts for a few minutes. I will never get bored of that feeling I don’t think. Weather this will be my last pregnancy I don’t know but I’m gonna make sure I treasure every kick.
Preschooler is starting to show more interest in the bump now, he still wont kiss it, although did the other day as he was playing a game with Grandma but he likes blowing raspberries on my tummy instead. His key-worker gave me a beautiful nappy cake this week as she is leaving and when we got home we sat talking about what was inside it and he declared that if the baby cries then they have to have a dummy to make them quiet …. hmmm well cant really argue with that one! Although not planning on using a dummy LOL. This week he has again said he wants a sister, but then also said he wants them to be a big brother, to which I explained that HE would be the big brother and he was semi happy with that idea but then decided he wanted a girl.
This week I’m seeing the midwife, weather it will be the same one I saw at the booking in god only knows, currently my GP’s don’t have a set midwife which is annoying but then again its highly unlikely they would be there for the c-section anyway so it doesn’t really make a great deal of difference!