Yesterday my baby had surgery. I say my baby, it was my 5yo. We’d known for months it was coming. And we’d known the exact date for 4 weeks beforehand. I’d been stressing something rotten. I was frightened. But I couldn’t show it. I’d envisaged the worst case scenarios in my head.
In reality it didn’t meet most of those worst case scenarios. But still seeing the anaesthetic hit him as he tried to fight it and slowly shut his eyes and went limp, and then needing to walk away … that killed me inside. I wanted to sob. I let out a few tears but not as many as I needed too.
I felt like I’d let him down by handing him over to strangers, not physically being there. I took some comfort from the fact his anaesthetist was the amazing one I had during my c-section with DS2 and during my recent toe surgery. I knew I could trust her. But still I wasn’t there for him. Not physically.
It wasn’t long. An hour in all. I knew he was in recovery after 45 minutes as the next child had been taken down. I gave it a few minutes before I pestered his nurse for any news. I wanted to be there when he woke. I didn’t want him alone and scared without me.
Eventually I got to go and be with him again. The relief at having him back in my arms and in my care was immense. So much so that when he had settled down to sleep again back on the ward I came over incredibly dizzy and felt like I was about to pass out. I think it was just sheer relief that it was over.
Practically it was hard work. I have a breastfed DS2 who still requires frequent boob sessions every few hours so I had to do alot of juggling and thankfully he kept getting brought to me when required. But it wasn’t helpful. We ended up needing to spend the night in hospital due to complications for further monitoring. Anyone that has spent a night on a childrens ward knows how NOT fun that is! Especially when your needed in two places. By both your children. Your torn. The nurses couldn’t seem to understand that it wasn’t as easy as having a hubby at home that could take the reins. Instead I’m lucky enough to have amazing friends and family who bend over backwards to help us and make sure DS2 was able to feed when he needed it and that DS1 had everything he needed!
Thankfully he was discharged this morning. Now we have two boring weeks at home. Away from infection risks. I’m glad hes back with me. And I’m looking after him. I know he needed the operation and I know it will help him in the long run. In the meantime it is going to involve alot of bribery in order to get him to keep up with his medicines!
I’m just relieved its all over. And I pray we never need to spend another night on a childrens ward. Nor that either of my children ever need surgery again. Serious kudos to the parents who spend weeks on end with their children on those wards. I honestly don’t know how they don’t go grey or have a breakdown!