Fear of Failure

Today I was thinking. I was trying to place what exactly I’m so fearful of for the marathon. Theres a few things.

  • Running somewhere totally new.
  • Running a distance I’ve never done before.
  • Getting lost getting to the start line.
  • Picking up an injury
  • Being unwell
  • Not finishing

But I’ve realised my biggest fear is to fail. History tells me I don’t give up. Even when things get really tough and I end up in a bad place mentally I’m not one to give up. I remember the first London to Brighton ride I did many years ago. I really struggled and there were times when I wanted to give up. But I didn’t and I got through. So I know mentally I have the determination and stubbornness to see it through!

I think some of it is a fear of failing everyone thats supported me. My family. My friends. Twitter friends. Facebook friends. Everyones got behind me and encouraged me, on the most part. But ultimately theres a fear of failing Matilda, Jennie and family.

I know I’ve trained enough. I know I’m fit enough. I know I’m currently injury free right now (Although tapering madness is meaning every little twinge makes me think my leg will drop off). I’m healthy. There is no reason why I will not complete the course. And yet I still fear it.

In some ways its good I’m quite busy at the moment as at the moment its meaning I’m mostly distracted by whats coming. I’m busy with the virtual run (which currently has 73 people signed up, WOW), revising for my open university exam and of course juggling two children and a lack of childcare as is often the case along with housework. So I’m not getting too much time to think about whats coming which is a good job too I think. However I know come the end of next week its likely to really start getting to me emotionally. I’m terrified I wont be able to sleep properly on Saturday night and I know I need to sleep well. I know I’m probably going to feel horrendously sick on the Sunday morning. I felt sick with nerves before Silverstone half so I’m expecting this to be twice as bad!

But hopefully I’ll get through the other-side. And as one of the many marathon quotes says, its not the same person who finishes a marathon that started.

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